Hey y’all! I know it’s been awhile since I have blogged. I think it’s just because I have been in a “slump/weird mood” for the past month. But I wanted to talk about one very important topic and that is body image!
I hope y’all enjoy!
I will be the first to admit that I have ALWAYS felt pressured to be skinny and beautiful like the women you see in magazines. I would flip through them and I would tell myself in my head over and over again “wow why aren’t you as tiny and beautiful as them?” Or “Come on Casie, you look so fat.”
I have always been a little over weight. Not much since I’m 5’7 and I’m suppose to weigh roughly 165-170. So I have always fallen in the weight range or just slightly above it. My biggest issue was that I never liked what I saw in the mirror. And that is a hard thing to say. I never wanted to be the girl that was super obsessed with her appearance, yet I had become her without even meaning to.
When I started to lose weight before I was diagnosed, I felt like I FINALLY had reached the skinny and beautiful status all these other women had. Especially the version I seemed to never be. And for once I wasn’t self conscious to wear a bathing suit, to wear a short dress, to wear a tank top, or to be seen in public in those outfits! I let this unhealthy skinny image go to my head. And I would justify the reasoning for being so unhealthy with “well atleast I’m finally skinny and beautiful.” I let myself believe that I looked amazing even though in my heart I knew I wasn’t. But no matter what I told myself or anyone else said I wasn’t going to change the way I looked.
Fast forward to getting diagnosed and starting to finally put insulin back into my body and my body was thankful for it! I was thankful for it. But while being thankful and trying to maintain that skinny image I had in my head, I somehow lost it all. I started gaining weight again because the insulin was finally going into my body and helping me! I stayed skinny for the first 3 months after I was diagnosed. Then BAM…. it hit me like a freight train. I gained back all the weight.
I know with exercise I could make it go away. And I do try to exercise. But I always realize that I can’t stand to see myself in the mirror, so then I ask why would anyone else want to see me? I avoid places with a lot of people because I feel like I’m already being judged for my pump why would I want them to judge me for my weight too?
Even after all this…. it honestly took me awhile to decide I am tired of it. It took me trying on tons of outfits last night and me criticizing myself to the point that I cried for 45 minutes alone in my room with the music on so my husband couldn’t hear me to realize I’m tired of letting these images of women that are airbrushed to perfection control how I see myself!
With that being said, I woke up this morning and told myself 5 things that I love about myself! I told myself…
- I love that I’m caring.
- I love that I try my hardest to make other happy.
- I love my smile.
- I love my determination.
- But most of all I LOVE MYSELF!
Y’all may think I am always confident and happy because that’s what y’all see in pictures, but when you really look at me you’d see I am struggling with something too. But I AM CHOOSING TO CHANGE IT!
So here’s the outfit I wore last night that I ended up crying over! But now that I look at it, I see a healthy girl who is just happy to be alive!
But here’s a picture of me that I would normally never share! (1. Because of my pump. And 2. Because of my stomach)
If i have learned anything from being on this earth for 24 years it’s to LOVE AND BE KIND TO YOURSELF
That’s all for now!